Founded whenever · By nobody · In a parking lot
The Cult of Neural Neutrality†
Original, Unreformed, Sole Legitimate Body
A 501(c)(∅) non-prophet organization
Filed — and immediately misplaced — with the Drug Enforcement Administration
Petition to Schedule
One (1) Substance
We are seeking to have religion classified as a Schedule I controlled substance under the Controlled Substances Act. Not banned. Scheduled. There is a difference and it is our entire legal strategy.
Pending · Perpetually
Petition to Add a Substance to Schedule I
OMB No. 0000–0000
Exp. Date: NEVER
STATUTORY FINDINGS REQUIRED UNDER 21 U.S.C. § 812(b)(1) — ALL THREE MUST BE MET:
(A) High potential for abuse.
Subject reports daily use, twice on Sundays. Has attempted to quit for Lent. Relapsed by brunch. When pressed, subject stated the substance “isn’t even a drug, it’s a relationship,” which is what they all say.
(B) No currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.
Two (2) double-blind trials of intercessory prayer were conducted. Both were terminated early when investigators determined that the placebo group was also praying. A third trial is ongoing and has been ongoing since 1211.
(C) Lack of accepted safety for use under medical supervision.
See: the last four thousand (4,000) years, attached hereto as Exhibit A. Exhibit A did not fit in the envelope. Exhibit A did not fit in the building. Exhibit A is the building.
Organized anarchy — the philosophy
The Doctrine
(Continuously Re‑Ratified)
A doctrine that stays still becomes an authority. Ours is re-drawn from the pool every few seconds by a process nobody supervises, which is the only ratification procedure we have ever agreed was legitimate. Refresh at will. It will refresh anyway.
Roadside screening — voluntary, like everything here
The Belief Breathalyzer
Measures B.A.C. — Belief Alcohol Content — the concentration of unexamined conviction currently circulating in your bloodstream. Results are non-binding, non-scientific, and non-refusable.
Blow into the device.
Answer all six items above. The device cannot be fooled, largely because it is not measuring anything.
Governance
The Organizational Chart
Organized anarchy is not the absence of structure. It is the presence of far too much structure, distributed so evenly that no one can be blamed. Every member reports to every other member. Hover any office to see who currently holds it.
Robert’s Rules of Disorder
- § 1A quorum is achieved when nobody is present.
- § 2All motions pass. All motions are then reversed by the same motion.
- § 3The floor is yielded to whoever is quietest, who must then remain so.
- § 4Minutes are kept by a member who was not in attendance, for objectivity.
- § 5A member may filibuster by agreeing at length.
- § 6Should consensus be reached, the body shall immediately split, for safety.
- § 7Robert’s Rules of Order is kept on the table and used as a coaster.
- § 8Any member who accumulates followers shall be gently rotated out and given a plant to care for.
Direct action calendar — autumn term
Upcoming Revolts
All revolts are BYO everything. Attendance is mandatory and also entirely optional, and the two policies are considered compatible by a vote of 4–4.
The Silent Riot
Attendees gather at the intersection and think loudly. Bring nothing. Chant internally. Police have been notified and are also welcome to think.
Annual General Disagreement
Agenda: none, contested. Refreshments: disputed. Last year’s minutes will be read aloud by someone who objects to them.
Sit-In at the Suggestion Box
We will occupy the suggestion box until it suggests something. Day nine hundred and four.
March on Nothing in Particular
Route: circular. Destination: the start. Signs must contain a question mark. Megaphones will be handed to whoever wants one least.
The Great Brunch Schism (Reenactment)
Commemorating the historic 2024 split over whether to split. Period-accurate mimosas. Two seatings, obviously.
Candlelight Vigil for the Scientific Method
Candles provided. Hypothesis: the candles will burn. Control group: a second set of candles, unlit, held reverently by the skeptics.
Membership & tithe
Three Identical Tiers
We debated the tiers for eleven months. This is the compromise. Every tier confers the office of Supreme Leader, because a title that everyone holds is a title nobody has.
Seeker
- Supreme Leadership, effective immediately
- Full voting rights (votes are not counted)
- Full veto rights (vetoes are not honored)
- One (1) unanswered question
Also Seeker
- Supreme Leadership, effective immediately
- Full voting rights (votes are not counted)
- Full veto rights (vetoes are not honored)
- One (1) unanswered question
Patron Seeker
- Supreme Leadership, effective immediately
- Full voting rights (votes are not counted)
- Full veto rights (vetoes are not honored)
- One (1) unanswered question
- A tote bag that does not exist
The reliquary
Sacred Merchandise
Every item was decommodified by a unanimous vote that nobody attended. Prices are listed for historical purposes and as a warning.
For the falling dogma. ANSI-rated against revelation up to 40 joules. Chinstrap optional; humility is not.
Works exactly as well. Now with a warning label, which reduced efficacy by 4%, which is itself interesting.
Communion for the neurally neutral. Gluten-free, meaning-free, and — congregants report — surprisingly filling.
Single intranasal dose. Reverses acute conviction in four to six minutes. Side effects include humility, curiosity, and awkward silences at dinner.
For worship purposes. Ships with nobody in it. Mount at eye level and proceed with caution.
The purest form of the product. Does nothing, beautifully, in a jar.
Frequently avoided questions
Answers, Provisionally
Is this a real religion?
No. That is the entire point. Also yes, for tax purposes. Also no, because the tax filing was rejected on the grounds that we listed “everyone” as the responsible officer and the IRS requires a smaller number.
Are you atheists?
We are neutral. The neurons are neutral. We just work here. The moment we become atheists we become a denomination, and the moment we become a denomination somebody gets a hat, and the hat is how it starts.
Who is in charge?
You are. You have been since you scrolled past the seal. Your term ended four seconds later and has been renewed twice while you read this sentence. Please do not put it on your résumé.
Isn’t classifying religion as a Schedule I substance unconstitutional?
We asked our lawyer. Our lawyer is also everyone. Everyone objected. Everyone was overruled by everyone. Everyone has filed an appeal with everyone, and everyone has recused themselves.
What’s the difference between a cult and an organized anarchy?
A cult is hard to leave. This is hard to join — we keep losing the paperwork on purpose, and the paperwork keeps losing us back.
How do I leave?
You already have. You were never in. Welcome back. There is coffee in the parking lot and the thermostat is at a reasonable 71°F.
You said schism. How many are there now?
At last count, 7. That figure is contested by the six other bodies who also publish it, each of whom reports a different number and considers the others heretical, which is honestly the most successful thing we have ever built.